John wrote:

Hi Paul, and thanks for step in ...

Daniel Paul. wrote:
is that thought is actually and really totally defeated by the far too heavy weight or whatever is wrong so creates that unbearable weight impossible to handle , because in such moment it is not at all important to know the origin of what is wrong, what is vital is to be defeated

This reminds me the conversation I had in the hospital with my friend with cancer ... In that conversation he said almost the same words, he said 'and now it is not a matter to look if I made something wrong or not in the past that could have caused the present situation' ...

Hello John, nice to meet again..
Very amazing and interesting words as such and especially in such situation, from your friend ..And yes at the so called psychological level this is what I was implying ...in the "physical" world, this is something I am kind of looking at, but there is nothing in the obvious or even in the less obvious so far to say...for now I keep it for me at this "physical level...

John. wrote:
On the other hand, with 'thought is actually and really totally defeated' do you mean that this defeat is because thought cannot deal with the present 'far too heavy weight' situation as could be a cancer or some else deep suffering? ... If it is so, what remains there after thought 'throws the towel' (not looking for THE answer, just inquiring)? ... Is it awareness or a direct perception of what is happening? ...

Well, what I bring here is the recalling of such past as your inquiry mentions, I am not talking from a present right now and living this...
this defeat comes from totally and entirely being fed up with the situation I-one is....and living it for once ..no thoughts involve apart from that absolutely viral one: I am fed, up defeated, I stay with that whatever takes place...
this is my first time original last thought before something weird took place...at the time I was unaware of such possibility, so all what was there was the weight of life and me defeated accepting whatever will take place without being even sad.. what took place once will not take place twice at this level, because memory is now in the way trying to reproduce such experience, always somehow consciously but most of the time unconsciously..a new discovery somehow will need to be made...
as long as I am not too fed up, I'll obviously will go on with what takes place in my life...
in such moment one is fed up yes, but not in the sense which could bring the idea to end one's life prematurely, I mean the moment I talk about does not contain the usual self typing,self crying etc etc
thought having tried according to itself all what it could possibly do for once does not find even one single escape any more..thought is stuck there in such corner with the heavy weight and when there is no escape what takes place ?? is what I am talking about...this moment is a vital one..
the intellectual grasping of that as an idea is of course not enough as this is a doing to be done by oneself, somehow...
why "somehow" ? because I see so far that this is personal only, this somehow will depend on anyone..
When such proper doing takes place, it immediately brings a different state in the brain mind and is always different as to the content brought but not that much as to the form it takes..so it is not that useful to say more about that right now...what I am trying to say up to now according to me can be shared up to some limits of course..I know that for having done some "work" on that wavelength with my 5 children in very tough time, and something happened , they found ways into that, now that they have some recalling of it, as globally they are fine, I have no reason at all to insist about it...I would even say that they found something by themselves, up to them now ...on the other hand many now old friends just run away :-))..
so it "works" more easily in time of heavy trouble..as troubles somehow exist too for that...the heaviness of life is not incidental or bad luck, it has a quite define birth and growth for me.
you say : Is it awareness or a direct perception of what is happening? ...
So as awareness is one of those words which leave me blank...and I really mean that , I would not know...
Is it direct perception? I don't know....what seems quite clear is that this brings in a row the solving of one or more problems, that "I" do not choose, this is totally out of my hand now...another process works when before it did not........
the solving is instant and happens by this involuntary seeing deeply of the root of it and all of it ( or sometimes there is no seeing but a bliss replacing the heavy sadness then one knows that one problem or more have been solved without knowing which one as what is not conscious is totally involved in such time..) , in let us say an insightful manner, then it is understood for good...it does not mean that it is solved for good, as it may come back, thought doing bad job again, but the deep seeing left something that will again work and this time will not solve the problem long after but will see it arising and will immediately deal with it ....
I am not able to make a define map of all that....
to come back to your point , there is the involuntary seeing,deep ,very deep not from thought as we know it,something x is at work that is obvious when it takes place but direct perception is not something I clearly understand, yet I have such a bright brain :-)) ..something sees what thought cannot is what I see so far....
I do not search to understand, this comes from one of those deep seeing which left something that will again work, but this is my own history and here of no direct interest in what I am trying to say...which is all for now...

Dan ...........